Over the years I've always had a half-hearted desire to practice meditation. I bought "Meditation for Dummies" and tried meditating once after reading it. I picked up "Hardcore Zen: Punk Rock, Monster Movies and the Truth About Reality" by Brad Warner and really liked it. I felt like I was perhaps closer to finally choosing to meditate and stop just thinking about it.
When I was in grad school for school counseling, the professors always spoke of the importance of self-care, blah, blah, blah. I was just interested in graduating and starting to work. I was about a day into the job and I said to myself - "Ya know what, I'm probably going to need that self-care - just not yet." A few years have past and I keep saying it and not doing anything about it.
I have had anxiety since adolescence and have found the best way to manage it is to STAY BUSY. See, my anxiety manifests itself in worry and thought. When I'm busy, I don't have time to think or worry. I am never anxious at work as a school counselor. I'm constantly on the go, I have a million and one things to do, and most importantly, I really love what I do. It's when I come home and I can relax (what's that?) that I need the most self-care.
I spend time doing things that avoid needing to think, but are not of any real value to me. They are a coping mechanism, not a solution. The solution came to me while visiting an online shop that I've recently had to ban myself from shopping. I came across a cushion. Not just any cushion, but a pretty green one filled with buckwheat. That was it - that was the missing link. I just needed something to sit on. It's something that is completely unnecessary, but in my world it was the one thing that jump started me to meditate. Was it my husband saying, "Why did you buy that? You are never going to use it!", sure that was a part of it too, but really I just wanted so badly to sit on that green cushion and chill out.
And so begins my journey.
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